Untitled, for the title is too long...

This is Thursday's blog of Thursday's events, but it's Friday.  I should be in bed, but I can't sleep.

I can usually form my blog post in my mind before I ever start to type.  Not this time.  I am simply going to type, and let God lead.  This will not be a normal homeschool blog.

There is a story I'm sure you've heard.  It's about a father and a son... or is it a mother and a daughter?  It changes from ear to ear.  The youth is told to take a leaf and put on the doorstep of every person they've hurt.  Once completed, they are told to go collect the leaves, which of course have all blown away with the wind.  The moral of the story is clear:  Words can never be taken back.

Hmm.....

Your portrayal of perfection is someone that no one can live up to.

You, my dear, turn more people from Christianity than you bring to it!

You have caused many people to question their salvation.

You are "perfect" and have a "perfect" life.

You are not Jesus!

Get over yourself!

I also know that the devil uses you far more than you realize!

I hope that you can find a way to be less judgmental and more open and loving.

You are selfish.

You had to have EVERYTHING your way.

You have to have that good ol' pat on the back that you are always right, you are the best mom, you are the best wife...

That's only because no one wants to say otherwise to you!



For whatever reason, I just shared with you some of the leaves that have been laid at my doorstep recently.  These were leaves that I had collected and buried deep, intending to keep them safely preserved for a long time.  This isn't a complete list.  Actually, these all came in one day.  There have been others, by other people.  Some just as brazen, some more subtle, but just as brutal. 

Now... before you say anything.... I'm not looking for any pity... at least, not for myself. 

Don't get me wrong... I want to be in a perpetual state of mad.  I want to hate.  I want to pray boils and pestilence and frogs and rocks and lizards and locusts and hail, fire and wind on the heads of all who have desecrated my name and ripped me open over and over.  Three years ago, I would have.   Three years ago I DID.  Ten years ago I would have helped God carry it out.  That was 2 REALLY bad churches and many blinded people ago, myself included. 

The words above will come to my mind at times (as do the others) when I'm the weakest, and the devil knows it.  The struggles, the feelings, the emotions all boil to the surface again, and I'm left fighting the urge to just give in to them.

I don't know if I'm any wiser, but I'm certainly older ;) 

I can't be mad.  When I sit down to try, I only feel pity. 

I feel pity for those who find enjoyment in making me look bad while simultaneously themselves look good. 

I find confirmation in God's word brought forth when others come to me and tell me how foolish those people look, for everyone can see where the problem really lies. 

I feel regret for not speaking more and standing my ground sooner, and also for sometimes not being silent.

I feel hope, that someday they will come back to the God that loves them. 

I realize how much easier it is now to read, understand and follow Luke 6. 

[²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.]

I find it ironic that the infamous 'judging' verses immediately follow these passages.  If everyone followed these verses, would the 'judging' verses even be necessary?

I have made it a lifetime career of holding on to grudges, anger, bad memories and juicy stories.  I have to let them go.  They have to become those leaves, tossed into the wind.  I'm listening to it howl outside my windows tonight - it seems like the appropriate time to let it go, don't you think?

I don't think we are made to forget.  A very wise woman told me not so very long ago that she had learned in a class this simple fact:  We are human.  I know... a shocker... go with me here.  We don't forget that a stove is hot, or to push the brakes at a stop sign, or our birthday or social security number.  Those things are taught and reinforced.  Our brain was wonderfully designed by a Heavenly Father who wanted us to remember the good AND the bad.  So... it's okay that I remember those leaves, and how they made me feel.  What's not okay is if I let them define me and control me and my thoughts.  It's not my job to plot my Texas chainsaw revenge on others.  That's God's job.  And whether He uses a chainsaw or a calmer means of instruction is for Him to decide - not me. 

I'm tired of apologizing for things I didn't do.  I'm tired of apologizing for being who God made me to be, and I'm tired of others making me feel bad for being that person, too.  I'm just tired.  That's not going to happen anymore.  I am me - a PERFECT creation of God.  He made me PERFECTLY to fit into His plan, but He didn't make me perfect.  You don't have to tell me I'm not perfect.  I already know.

Oh... for the wisdom of Solomon.  The songs of David.  The kinsman redeemer for Ruth.  The burning bush for Moses. 

Well... it seems that I have come to the end of my thought process, at least for now.  Please overlook the grammatical errors and misspellings.  It has been a long day :)  Thank you, my friends.  I desire your prayers.  We should pray for each other.  When someone comes to your mind, whether you saw them yesterday or 30 years ago, whether they are a friend or dreadful enemy, stop and pray.  Pray whatever your heart will allow.  God will bless righteousness if it is in TRUTH.

God Bless, until next time...
Anita

p.s.

If you read my previous blog, then you will be happy to know that I have my new large print Bible. I also have reading glasses.... just in case. I intend to use one before the other.